Not So Poetic Reality

A series of unfathomable events has left me feeling that I’m living hell on earth. Beginning with the death of my most precious pup on April 26th, 2018. This is the little girl I rescued from a cage, the little girl I put my arms around every night and whispered my most secret, secrets to. Begging her to stay with me forever, I needed her to live; she was my reason for getting up every day. Depression has a way of coloring the world with a heavy, heavy darkness.

But words and wishes are no match for mortality. Just three days later, my loving brother died from a brain tumor followed by my dad, who died on November 24th, 2018. I miss my dog and my brother endlessly. My dad, on the other hand, was only suffering and causing suffering to those of us who tried to ease his pain and provide him with care, despite his horrid behavior. A few weeks before he died, he physically assaulted me, which is just a snapshot into the history of abuse he inflicted upon my brother, my mom and me throughout our lives.

I had some hope after my dad died, that I might be able to show my mom a life of freedom from fear, a life with reason for easy laughter and joy. Dementia, however, has stolen that possibility. She is now just a breathing shell of what she used to be, and I feel that I am also becoming a shell of what I used to be. When I am not caring for her, I am recovering from caring for her. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Chronic migraine and daily headache, all on top of mental health issues. My energy, motivation and ability to engage in activities that bring me joy are hard to find.

Still, I remain a hopeful, kind, giving and loving person. I love and am grateful for my husband, my children, my animals and the few friends who have stuck around, especially my friend and co-caregiver for my mom. Apparently a depressed, disabled, caregiver isn’t considered ‘friend’ material by most. Their loss. You see, they are missing out on one of the few people in this world who is real and would be there for them in a heartbeat. I may not be able to meet them for dinner, or go to a concert, or even share a quick phone chat, but I will be there when no one else is… all I ask is that they do the same for me, an impossible task for many, but an avenue for learning who is real, who is worth my precious energy. I know my worth, and it is not dependent on who is (or isn’t) standing next to me.

I have not had time to grieve any of my losses. Right now, it is time to care for my fragile, confused and frightened mother. Then it will be my time. Time for grieving, time for finding myself again, time for me and the family I created. All of these challenges that I have faced have knocked me down, more times than I can count, and left lasting scars. But I am strong and I will get back up. My light may be dim for the time being, but it’s still burning and hope tells me that brighter days are coming. Let the sun shine in. I’m ready.

 

(Image from Pinterest)

8 thoughts on “Not So Poetic Reality

  1. I’m so sorry for all your losses. I can most certainly understand how horrible it is to lose a canine companion. For some reason I find the death of a loyal canine friend harder to handle than those of humans. My dad says I’m evil for this, but then so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you said that Rayne. It hurts me more than any of the others, but the only person I’ve said that to is my therapist (and now you). I think it’s because my brother knew what was happening and we were able to say “I love you” and with my dog, she didn’t know what was happening. You’re not evil, you’re kind and empathetic. Animals hold a different kind of love and she was my world, my safe place. I miss her so much. Thank you for your kind words and understanding ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you lost your darling little pup, that’s heartbreaking enough but then to lose your brother, too. I can only imagine how tough the times have been for you, and my heart aches for you. Add on that the challenges around your father and the issues from the past that’s probably all bought back, and your mum’s struggles with dementia… well, you’ve had far too much on your plate, too much hurt and pain. The hope and strength you show is truly incredible; I know you need to keep fighting and staying tough for your mom right now, but please do take care of yourself too. Allow yourself to not be okay, to process things when you need to so you don’t implode. Things can and will be brighter in the future, and with each day you are stronger and more resilient. You are a beautiful soul, and you will be okay. Sending hugs, and I’ll be thinking of you  ♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

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