Backlash

Empty
Densely clouded days and nights
No light can shine in that deep darkness
Penetrating cold that incapacitates
Flames extinguished by anguish
Ghosts of what I once was
Fill me up
I’m looking for you

My father’s words bash against my already throbbing skull.
“If I could just push a button and die I would do it.”
Thanks Pa. Sickness hasn’t dampened your aptitude for emotional blackmail.
I just stopped by to see if I could make dinner for you or take out the trash.
And good old ma… You haven’t changed a bit as you fiddle with your hearing aid shouting, “We are both doing fine. Everything is fine!”
Death on their breath.
Or is that the stench of regret, guilt, selfishness, and shit?
Constipation in every sense.
Holding back tears as they suck the marrow from my bones.

Empty
Chained chimera
Shivering tenebrous shadow
Fleeting moments of contentment
But I left the door open
So they join the murder of crows
I see them looking down at me
Laughing
Backlash
Of hope

 

(Image from Pinterest)

 

21 thoughts on “Backlash

    1. I get that… the hard part is knowing how to protect myself from it. I literally feel so incredibly depressed when I am around them. They are both in the end of life and I know they are scared, which is why I want to help them… but every time I try, I’m subjected to this, plus they will complain about how hard everything is, yet refuse any help. I don’t know how to keep that separation, you know what I mean?

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      1. Yes, that is really hard. My Mum is the same. Would rather take pain meds than do her grieving. I think deep down your anger is at their refusal to choose for love. That leaves you so alone and I can really empathise. Its very very hard. And maybe because they wont feel it you absorb their pain and feel worse. Do you think that could be so?

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        1. Good question… Not sure i really know. It doesn’t make me feel alone… it makes me feel confused and like no matter what I do, they would just prefer to be miserable. I’m not sure why I even try to be helpful.

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