Fear

Children are a blessing

I can’t argue that fact

They are the light of my life

The reason I wake up every day

My purpose in fighting

To show them the way

They bring me mountains of happiness

Make my heart sing

An eternal love song playing in the back of my mind

Keeping time with every heart beat

A perfect note of unfathomable and bottomless depth

Why then, do my greatest gifts ignite my worst fears?

When giving birth to such precious beings

Also sends me spiraling into the deepest anxiety

My stomach twisted, what have I done?

Brought these beautiful babies into this world

Without their permission

I have passed down my genetic faults

The curse of multiple generations

To haunt them for the rest of their lives

Questions, regretful worry

Poisoned the minds of my loves

Never wanting them to suffer the demons I carry

My need to self medicate

The cards are stacked against them

And I dealt them the hand

They have witnessed abuse

I have hurt those most cherished to me

Promised to never let them experience

The pain and uncertainty of fighting parents

Watching the dream for a safe family crumble

And what kind of world will be left for them?

As decades pass and the state of the earth is dire

Will they be the generation who watch it expire?

They grew up in a fenced yard

With me always on guard

Never able to be free

Predators hiding in every shadow

Will they drown in the waters?

Of melting ice caps

While already submerged in my damaging DNA

Experience nuclear war

I am overcome with terror

And conflicting emotion

Those lives I hold so dear

I pray will never have to know that fear

And despite my dysregulated mood

I wouldn’t trade motherhood

For a stable climate

Or halt to war

I cling to their love and hope

That the rest of the world will catch up

And their minds are strong and resilient

Save my children

I love you

Forgive me

(Image from Pinterest)

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