To Mental Illness and Chronic Pain,
I’m writing to you regarding all of your most recent bullshit. I have had enough.
I want to punch you in the face.
Kick you in the gut.
Slice you to pieces.
Leave you bleeding on the curb.
I hate you with every ounce of my being.
How is it possible that I can go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds? I was feeling okay at least (I’ll take that, it doesn’t even have to be happy, just let me have ‘okay’). I don’t even know what triggers the sudden shift. That event no one invited me to, or, I couldn’t go because I was too tired. A friend left me (again). The clouds came back. I started to feel a sore throat. My joints hurt. I’m tired after sleeping for 12 hours. Or maybe nothing happened at all.
I vacuumed the area carpet today (maybe a 3-5 minute job) and here is just part of what when through my mind: I’m so tired. God my arms and wrists hurt. I wish I were dead. I hate myself. Why am I even trying? People just keep hurting me. You just keep hurting me. I can never do the right thing. I try to be to a good friend so why are people leaving me? I can cut myself again. What does it take for you to understand that I’m hurting? What’s the point? What am I even living for? I can’t do anything. Vacuuming through tears. That my day, that’s my every moment, that’s my life. If the tears aren’t already flowing, they are right there, hiding behind my fake smile, wrinkles deepening everyday from the strain of living. No they aren’t smile lines. They’re frown lines, worry lines, scared lines, confused lines, lonely lines, lost lines, crying lines, pain lines, sad lines, hurt lines, tired lines, I’m giving up lines. Just in case I forget. Thanks for that.
And I’m supposed to keep trying? One minute at a time. Focus on the positive. Say my affirmations (that I don’t believe anyway), write my gratitude list, get my exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, take my meds, meditate, look for new friends, find truer ones. It’s just going to happen again. You want to tell me that I can’t find what I need without trust. No matter how many times that trust has come back to kick me in the ass and remind me I’m disposable, easily left behind, easily replaced, no more important than a sticky note scribbled with a smiley face, crumpled up and thrown away, a fleeting memory, a ghost of a human, worthless trash, don’t even bother recycling.
I want to stop existing, stop talking, stop being seen, stop feeling, stop hurting, go away, stay away, keep quiet, don’t speak up, and let you take me. The words are too strong, too deeply embedded in my heart, my soul, and my mind. And I am too tired, way too tired. I want nothing. I want everything. I’m made up of razors and knives, nails and staples, shrapnel and barbed wire. It will hurt me and cut me and pierce my skin. How do you die without actually dying? I need that. I can’t stay and I can’t go. I’m a cesspool for the flotsam and jetsam, better off tossed overboard for the sake of the worthy. Purgatory for the chronically useless.
But I’m still here. I don’t know why or how. I don’t know if I will last much longer. I do know that something exists in me that is stronger than you. The tiniest glimmer of light, desperately trying to push it’s way out. Today you win. But the game isn’t over, yet.